Children are primary. And paradoxically, it is precisely this quality that can sometimes drive us to great fear, despair, and frustration in everyday life.
They instinctively know how to live fully, and with their direct emotions they awaken our own pure, sometimes raw and unpolished emotions. That can be a turbulent meeting of energies. How do you respond then? How can you listen to your child with compassion while also respecting your own boundaries? How can you learn which direction you should take together?
A Meeting of Emotions
When I went to pick up my daughter from school, something happened that reflects what I described above. In the schoolyard, I was standing next to a mother whose little son was well on his way to climbing high into a tree. The mother became less and less happy with the branch, while his enthusiasm was only pushed higher. “Come down a bit!” “No, I can do it!” was his confident reply. The mother grew desperate, because she just couldn’t get her son to listen. How do you handle that—without only getting angrier and more afraid, drifting further away from a solution?
Connect & Correct
“How do you do that?” she asked me, cheeks flushed. “I think it helps to first look through the eyes of the child. First connect, and then correct. Your son is doing something that triggers you. You respond out of fear to what he is doinginstead of to him. If you manage to first connect with his experience, he feels seen. You meet your child where he is. That’s how you move toward the destination together. ‘You’re so high up—is it beautiful there? You can probably see really far, right?’ Then, from a place of calm within yourself, you can set a boundary. ‘I think it’s great that you can do this, but for now, I think this is high enough.’
Through situations like these, we increasingly learn what is needed for ourselves, our child, and the family. It doesn’t happen in a straight, upward line—more like a wondrous, unpredictable winding path. If you invest in making and keeping the relationship strong, no matter how hard the wind blows or storms rage, you will ultimately move together toward a new point. A point where more becomes visible than before. Where there is more perspective and more insights to receive. Where the ground, as a safe foundation, will remain close.
